I checked my email today and read through my xanga digest. I've been doing that for forever, but it suddenly occurred to me that I haven't logged on to this page in two cows' and a dog's life. I started to think about it- xanga was probably one of the first popular social networking blogs to catch on, at least in my neck of the woods anyway, and like most popular sites, it's been overtaken by the popularity of a new networking site (or three) and has quickly faded to the point that ninety nine percent of the people I know don't remember it unless you mention it, "oh wow, I forgot about xanga, that used to be the shit, man."
Yeah, it did. I remember setting this blog up years ago, in a strange attempt to feel involved with my peers, to feel up to date and not so much like the tech-retarded geek as I came across. I blogged here so often, even though I really didn't have anything productive or interesting to say or post. After awhile it just became a place to vent when no one else would listen- or wanted to. High school is glorified on TV as this magical time in someone's life, as a time when you'll make friendships that last a lifetime and find the person to whom you will be married. Prom is this enchanted night with music, slow dancing and romance...even the ugly duckling always manages to find a date and a dress, and (s)he always tentatively enters the room with her date and no one recognizes her as the duckling, but as a gorgeous swan they don't remember seeing before. She'd have her true friends, get the attention of the guy she likes, and no longer be an outcast.
I have no idea where people get this stuff. I don't think they really remember their high school experiences, and attempt to fill the blank with memories they wish they'd made, people they wish had seen them for who they are, and bad experiences they wish they could forget.
Now don't get me wrong, I have numerous fond memories of high school, snapshots of acceptance and pride, of achievements and friendships. I miss high school though, the simplicity, convenience...theatre. Good Goddess do I miss theatre. I miss doing tech- building, painting, planning, setting up, being a runner backstage, being stage manager and having everything just fall together beautifully. I miss the chemistry we all had as a team, and my learning that I can actually be a good leader without having my followers resent me. I miss when my non-theatre friends got along, without nearly as much drama like that of which I've been witness. I miss acceptance, being included, and being a part of a team effort- not being the one that does the work of the three others in my group and my own, or being the one without an important job to do.
I don't miss the severe lack of self confidence or the painful social retardation about which people failed to inform me. I don't miss my paralyzing- and provoked- social anxiety. I don't miss having my ADHD run rampant and hold me back from much bigger achievements. I could have easily gotten straight A's had I been able to focus and keep from procrastinating so much. And least of all do I miss being terrified of ending up permanently alone, and having my future be such a blank canvas.
Quite a few people see that blank canvas and rejoice in its possibilities, but I never could. To me, being that blank canvas only meant that I had too many choices open to me. What if I start to paint on that canvas and then learn that I'm not actually able to paint that specific picture? What if I learn it's not the proper color? Proper medium for the canvas? What if I decide I want to paint something else? I still only have the one canvas...how do I decide?
I learn, I explore, and I figure out who I am, what I want, before I start to paint. And I suppose if I mess up or use the wrong color, I just find a way to work with it and turn that "mess" into something good. Something worthwhile.
I've been so lost for so many years...and now I know what I want. I know what I want to do with my life and I know how to get there. I know. It's such an incredible relief when you finally figure that out, when you finally know what you want- specifically. My challenge now is figuring out how to get to the point to set that plan in motion. Even so, I'm excited and determined and passionate. It's funny...it took me years in college to figure out what I wanted...even then I didn't figure it out, not until I had been kicked out and I was just working full time.
I've always been inspired by the clear lack of success in others. That sounds horrible, I know, but being involved in a situation where something is failing and you know how to fix it, how to make that failure a success beyond that person's imagination...and then being completely ignored for it or treated as if you're just an ignorant child that knows nothing of the real world.... On campus in one of my English classes, we had to write an essay on our major and why we chose it, what we hoped to accomplish. At the time, I was majoring in English Secondary Education- planning to teach high school English- and when I thought about why I had chosen that major I had to laugh. I wrote out an essay that I was afraid my professor was going to completely reject, since it didn't fit the normal structure for an English essay and because it was written in almost a more casual format. The title explained everything; "I can teach english better than you"
It stemmed from my having these horrible teachers growing up, teachers that hated kids or didn't have a passion for their subject. All of those times I could sit there and stare at them being very close to telling them that I could teach better than they did. My peers loved the essay and complimented me on it, and more importantly my professor loved the essay, and I received an A.
I later switched my major to English-Writing Track, since there are authors out there (such as stephanie meyer who is NOT a writer. just no.) that I know I could write better than...that I have more talent than. Now, when I go back to school, I'm hoping to have that English major, and a Psychology major as well. I love Psychology- I'm passionate about it to a near extreme. It's not what I want to do with my life however.
I want to own a store. It's a specific type of store, but I don't want to say too much for fear that my ideas will leak out and someone else will start my store before I get to. I know what type, I know what I'd sell, I know how I'd sell it, where I'd sell it and to whom. I know how to advertise, how to spread word and how to attract customers. I know who I'd have working for/with me (with, really, because I don't want to be the kind of leader that constantly displays the power of authority I have over others, and I don't want my employees to be uncomfortable around me. They shouldn't have to hold their breath, whisper quietly or learn sign language to talk about me when I'm not looking. They shouldn't have to come up with code names to reference me, or have to warn everyone that I'm coming into work if I end up having more than one store (Goddess willing.) I hated working for a boss who would mentally abuse her employees and fire them for wearing the wrong color, or for sneezing in front of a customer. I hated working for a woman who had such a store that could be infinitely more successful if she'd stop doing so many things she was doing. Spending money on botox for her and her daughter, vacations, cocaine and impulsive spending on merchandise that no one would ever buy...it was ridiculous how she squandered things away and didn't utilize anything she had. She drank to excess even when working, and constantly bad mouthed her employees and their ways of doing things. She assumed she knew how to run a store and she truly didn't. She doesn't understand human psychology, nor sociology, nor how to attract and keep a happy customer base. Her only goals were push merchandise on people who can't afford it and don't want it, get the customer to spend as much as possible, and to have the PERFECT store appearance- which she tried to achieve by having all of us slaving for days, nonstop, steaming things that shouldn't be steamed over and over and over, sorting and re-sorting merchandise and rearranging displays that were purposely placed in the most effective places. She acted as if she knew exactly what went on in the store when she knew nothing. She was never in the store and when she was it was hell. We never had a moment's break, we couldn't talk with one another, or look as if we weren't constantly and obsessively organizing things that had already been organized eight times previously in that hour. She did everything wrong, knew nothing, and yet was still running her own business.
I can run a store better than her- by FAR. She had money for botox and cocaine, obviously she was making decent profits so it would clearly be a worthwhile investment since she was floundering and still able to fly first class from maryland to florida and back at a moment's notice. I can do that better. So much better. Not the floundering and flying part.
I just hope it doesn't take too long to get there ^.^

It's SNOWING!!! =)